How to Get into Your Neighbour's Pool (Without Trespassing)

If you think of everything as just an obstacle preventing you from entering a swimming pool, you’re already halfway to success!

BY: NOAH FARBERMAN

Close your eyes. Imagine yourself standing in waist deep water. The water is warm and still, except for the light ripples emanating from your semi-sub-merged-epidermi. Follow the ripples as they explore the still surface around your epidermi. Watch as some bubbles North East of your current position seem to find a wall no more than three feet from your epidermi. You reach out and touch the edge of the pool, the tips of your fingers feel the transition from wet to dry as they brush up the base of the wall, leaving the feeling of rebirth pulsating just below your epidermi. Open your eyes. You realize the pool you are standing in resides in your neighbour’s backyard. 

Thank you. Thank you. Please… alright, and thank you! The one question I know most of my readers are thinking is: “How did we get into that pool?” 

The simple answer is that I did it in three steps, but you aren’t ready for those steps, yet. Don’t pee your pantses in anticipation, though, before you can even grasp all three steps, I need to take you back. 

Back to your house, in your heads. Think about which room’s window provides the best view of your neighbour’s pool. Now go upstairs and paint the pool from that angle. Take as much time and paint as you need, the better the painting, the easier your work will be across the road. 

Next, you’re going to walk over to your neighbour’s front door and ring the bell. When they open the door, show them your painting of their pool and tell them that you’re a local artist who has become infatuated with how their pool reflects light. Ask them, now, if you may paint their pool from a closer angle. Offer them your original piece of art as a gift for their time.

Climb in and start wading around like you’re getting a feeling for the art. No one knows how artists work, take your time and enjoy that water, because you’ll be spending a lot of time painting it over the rest of the summer. 

Now, that’s how I did it; but the proof isn't all it seems to be. You see, this is just how I did it the first time. What I’m showing you isn’t my way, it’s my way of life. Every single one of my pool entries contains three of three special steps. What are these special steps? That just might be the only question in most of your brains right now. Well lucky you, because I’m about to show you, step, by, step. 

Step one: establish desire

That means you wanna make it clear straight up that all you want is to be in that pool. Now, you never have to lie, and the truth doth feel good. 

For example in my second entry I was dressed as a pool toy salesman when I managed to get right into that water. 

The first thing I did was try to sell some pool toys to my neighbour. I had him take me around back so I could demonstrate how easy the toys are to blow up and how floatable and sturdy they are as devices. When in the backyard, I complimented their pool professionally. 

Image Courtesy of BlogTO

This is key: I offered a free toy to my neighbour as thanks for their time, without the kind act of giving, the next part of the plan is doomed. The next part of the plan? That might be the one thing that most of the people reading this article are wondering about, well wonder no more because I will tell you: The next thing I did was fall into the pool “by mistake.” As if I planned it myself, my neighbourly pool-owner offered to bring me a towel. Now is a chance to enjoy the little things, I splashed around like it was the first day of summer while they got me that towel, and just like the end of the first day of summer, I got out and thanked the pool-owner for drying me off. Now for the advanced gameplay, after I got out with the towel I asked if I could wait on his deck to dry my clothes, I claimed that the owner of my pool toy company hates it when employees fall or get pushed into the pool. If handled well, like I did, the pool-owner will outright offer to put your clothes into the dryer. Alternately, there is nothing wrong with outright asking to dry your clothes, yourself. While my clothes were being put in the dryer, I put my feet in the water and sat on the edge of glory. When my new friend-customer-pool-owner returned, I looked them perfect-square in their eyes and just asked “May I go in?”

Then I stopped time, metaphorically, and took stock of my life. No matter the answer I was about to get, my feet were in a pool and that was more than enough to make a lifetime.

I’m sure that most of the people reading this article are wondering “did they say yes?” and while it’s not important to the story… Yes, I did get to enjoy some time in that lovely backyard oasis. 

Now the second step comes with a bit of catch. Before I can tell you step two; I need all of you to recite—uh... pull out some paper, write down the oath, and mail it to me. Oh you don’t know the oath? That’s because only real neighbours mow their lawns to that oath. Let me tell you a secret: The secret is the oath, repeat after me: I Will Not Pee in a Neighbour’s Pool or LandLord Strike me Down!

Haza! 

Step two: I pause for a second, just a second after looking directly into their eyes, I do an eyeball double take and pause, staring into their blue-green-black-brown-and-one-time-purple eyes. The pause is brief but lasts a loveline. That look does a million things, but the main thing it does is let the mark (tHaT’s WhAt We CaLl ThEm!) know that we have the potential to fall in love with them, and being loved is a feeling, oh, I don’t know, I think most of you reading this article really like! 

So for example, in my third last pool, the Love Look actually saved the day big time!

I was dressed as former Olympian Ryan Lochte when I first approached my neighbour’s pool. I truly believe that if it wasn’t for the Love Look they would have realized I wasn’t former Olympian Ryan Lochte. I managed, with just that look and several other semi-true claims, to convince my neighbour that my tour bus broke down and if I didn’t get into water soon, my whole training regiment would be thrown off and I would go from being former Olympian Ryan Lochte to retired Olympian Ryan Lochte. At first the owner was hesitant so I asked myself “What would Ryan Lochte Do?” and I told the owner that this was actually being filmed for my reality TV show “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” and that they might have a chance to become a recurring character. Let me tell you folks, this was not a plan I expected to work, but because I followed all three steps, the plan succeeded without a miss. 

Photograph by Daniela Mallarino // THE UNDERGROUND

So that covers step one: establish purpose, and step two: the Love Look. I bet I can guess what question most of the people reading this article are asking in their heads right now, and that question is: 

“What is step number three?”

You will be getting step number three, that is a guarantee, but first I need to tell you that my lectures are all available online as live recordings. It is my understanding that some of you might be reading this, well, you can purchase a season’s pass or attend one of my fall classes if that’s something you prefer to reading. If you need any more information about that, my secretaries are always ready to answer any questions you have, just email them at editor@the-underground.online (The editors of this piece kindly ask you to disregard the email provided by the speaker. It is, in fact, our editor’s email address). So to remind you all, these three steps are available online and so many more steps for all kinds of life challenges, including but not limited to: how to buy a water ski with a really big discount without leaving the big city, how to get in and out of the shower without even thinking about falling, how to find the oldest and slowest hot tub salesman in the entire big city without needing a map, and how to teach your favourite child to swim faster than your other kids without anyone ever finding out. 

Just to recap, one more time, these lectures are available online, just contact my secretary for more information, again that’s: editor@the-underground.online (again, please don’t!). 

Here it is, the final step that will make any pool hopping scheme into a successful living and achieved dream. What is step three? I bet that’s what most of the people reading this article are still wondering. Step three is simple. Most of the people reading this article are going to be kicking themselves for not realizing how simple step three was all along. It is so simple that odds are you might have even been doing it without realizing. 

What is step three?

Step three is--agh

My kidney! It’s bursting! 

Call an ambulance! 

I’m going to need an appendectomy for my kidney! 

No! Wait! 

I need to push through, that’s what the readers’ need more right now! I won’t call the ambulance until I tell you--agh--step three!

Step 3--agh--is--ach--only target houses that have pools…

I know it seems obvious, but when you live for--ugh--the chase… you sometimes forget the prize. That’s why I really emphasized the important need for... enjoying… the little moments of bliss… like how when you pee your pants… it almost feels like your slacks… were just in a swimming pool…

Thank… you…

Have a safe… swim… home… everyone…